(Part 1)

We were scared at work. Really scared. An anonymous package had arrived. Besides our address and metered postage (with the tell-tell zip code of course), the box was covered with messages…

(if you haven’t already guessed by the last pic, we are in Florida)

A little background: Our company has a large mail-order business, with the bulk of it shipped as gifts during the Christmas Holiday season, so it’s not unusual to have many returned due to bad addresses and such. So, this was obviously from a gift recipient.

So, what are we to do but see what was returned? Standing around the package with our breaths held (in case a cloud of anthrax billows out,) we open the box to find nothing but our packing “peanuts” and a note…

Well, here’s a novel idea for you – why don’t you jump up and kiss my ass!! Take a look around your house and make of list of all the items that came packed in fucking styrofoam! How about your tv? Did you take the effort and spend the money to send those big styrofoam blocks back to Sony in Japan? Yeah, we’re making efforts here to be more environmentally conscious, but some packages just have to be done the old-fashioned American way… with good ole American, landfill choking styrofoam. Otherwise, the gift in your box would arrive beat to hell or it would cost more because a “friendlier” packing material would not only cost us more, but also weigh more which raises the shipping expense. And then we would have to listen to your shit about how we’re overpriced.

On the other hand, you could’ve just sent a (cheap) postcard or note and nicely asked us to give consideration to our future shipping practices. Many customers (and gift recipients) do it all the time and that’s why we are making efforts to do just that. We also have customers who make that request prior to making an order. We respect those customers. But your knee-jerk, tree-hugging ass just had to spend $3.20 to prove how much you hate W be a dildo, didn’t you? Just think, the money you spent shipping our peanuts back to us could’ve fed a homeless person for a day or two. Or it could’ve (Gasp!) bought you a frothy cinnamon latte down at your corner Starbuck’s! But thanks anyway… at least we can reuse those peanuts. Jackass.