1. If you don’t have enough sense to delete the voice mails, hide the 9 iron
2. Do not lock a concussed kid in a closet
3. Wear full body armor when visiting friends who own chimpanzees
4. If reincarnated as a housefly don’t buzz around the U.S. president during an interview
5. If you buzz New York City in Air Force One, creating a city-wide panic, at least take some good pictures
6. If you interrupt an awards show, at least say something intelligent
7. Slip balloon boy some Nyquil before any TV interviews
8. Save the beer summit for the entire US congress
9. Don’t try to High 5 a blind man
10. “Wise Latina” is a legal term
11. The politically correct term is “Life Options”, not “Death Panels”
12. If you want to be a successful pirate, don’t hijack an American ship.
13. Keeping a politician’s children out of late night Top Ten lists applies to all political parties
14. Strip-search any pimps and prostitutes when they come to your acorn office for assistance
15. Grab eye-bleach before looking at the photo of a woman who is late-term with octuplets
16. Admission into the White House is no big deal, just show up

And my top lesson learned from 2009: Do NOT take Claritin a few hours before a hot date