robrrt

Look for this to be a best-seller…….. in about three years.

Forewords by Willie Nelson, Richard Hatch and Darryl Strawberry

I submitted this chart to GraphJam a few days ago, but they must’ve thought it sucked, since it doesn’t appear that it was ever published. So… I’ll put it up here:

Your new penis is waiting for you

The infamous airport men’s room where Sen. Larry Craig was arrested is getting new stall dividers that drop nearly to the floor to make it a less inviting spot for sexual liaisons.

[snip]

The Minneapolis airport has more than 80 restrooms, but only two are being targeted for the new dividers, including the one now known for Craig’s arrest.

[snip]

The new stall dividers will fall to just 2 to 3 inches above the floor, instead of leaving as much as a foot of open space as they do now. The airport expects to spend $25,000; installing them in every restroom there would cost about $1 million

$25K? For only two stalls? I’m definitely in the wrong business. Hell, I’ll do it for a thousand. All I need to get are some brackets and a sheet of plywood.

(and here I was thinking that doing this in the first place would’ve been cheaper than the salary of the law enforcement officers conducting the sting)

For best effect (and hilarity) set your audio player on loop before playing this file. (laugh.mp3 43 kb)

• 10 -Timer on various kitchen appliances (microwave, toaster, oven, etc.)
• 9 – Cell phone ring tone (I’m tempted)
• 8 – Wake Up Alarm
• 7 – Doorbell
• 6 – Car Horn (will scare animals off the road every time)
• 5 – Squeak toy for your pet
• 4 – Halloween ornament (could also be built into a Hillary Halloween costume)
• 3 – Replacement for that squawk heard when radio and television stations do their emergency response tests
• 2 – Home burglar alarm (guaranteed to give burglars heart attacks)
• 1 – “Fatal Error” sound event for computers

Bonus – Smoke Detector alarm

So you made bail and are now back in Miami. Cool. Now do the United States of America just one huge favor: RUN!!! Or swim or whatever it takes. Hop into one of those make-shift boats left on the beach by Cuban refugees and start paddling. Go live your life out in some thatch hut in the South American jungle. Whatever you do, just make sure that we never hear your name again. Never again do we want to endure another “All Day, All OJ” day like Fox News made us suffer through this past Sunday and the constant media blather since.

We know that, due to your sociopathic/narcissistic tendencies, you do not have the common sense required to plead your case down to a manageable punishment. Hence you will live the rest of your life inside a prison wall. But that won’t end it for us, the American people. We will constantly be subjected to your whining about no suitable golf courses and you know some skinhead in the next bunk will tell you one day soon: “you married a white woman, then you killed a white woman; here’s your parting gift” right before he shanks your ass. And then it starts all over again. So do yourself and all of us a favor and haul ass.

Or finally do what you said you would do that day in the back of that white Bronco.

While driving downtown today, I was about to pull into a McDonald’s to get a coke. One problem – it wasn’t there anymore. Nothing but a layer of red clay, which I assume is in preparation to lay the foundation for a new building. One thing that hadn’t been torn down was the golden arches sign, along with the marquee. And what did the marquee say?

CLOSED

A Henry County couple, Bill and Leandra Pitts, charged that Progressive hired private eyes to tail them as part of an investigation into injuries the couple said they sustained in a 2004 auto accident. The investigators, the Pittses said, snuck into their church in August 2005 posing as prospective members. Then, they talked their way into a private confessional meeting at a church member’s home in hopes that the Pittses might make an admission that would damage their case, which has since been settled.

And the moral of the story is: If you are involved in a lawsuit, watch out for new friends. Oh, and stay away from Progressive.

“Windows Vista is the most secure operating system we’ve ever released,” said Kevin Turner, chief operating officer. “In the first 180 days we’ve had far fewer high-severity vulnerabilities than XP. We’ve had 12 in Vista. We had 25 in XP.”

Huh? Why not just state that vulnerabilities have been cut in half? He almost sounds like he proud of the fact that Vista has had 12 severe vulnerabilities in six months.

I was insulted when I read that headline. How dare they say my life is normal!